i love it here!

I woke up yesterday morning in a panic. I felt anxious, worried that my good-bye wouldn't be good enough, honestly, I just don't like saying goodbye. Instantly, my mind scanned through all the faces that I'd be saying good bye to in a short while, and my heart grew heavy. I felt sad. I started dreaming about the best farewell, what could I say to make saying good bye less difficult? As if saying good bye a different way would change the reality of us leaving! I'll come back, or next time we'll get to spend more time together.. all these were good ideas to me. our departure is just around the corner. it feels more manageable each time we sit and talk about that time coming and share our honest feelings about it. it doesn't matter what much i plan or idealize this moment, leaving what has been my home will be very difficult.

Already the friends that I've made have begun to remind me to not forget about them. i respond very confidently with a NO, I'll never forget you! Has this happened to you? I've been out of the country before and my heart has been impacted with stories of real struggle from the poor & I can honestly say that I felt connected with them in their struggle. I've even promised myself to always remember them & to never forget, but now if I'm honest i have a hard time remembering those that i've hoped to remember. This trip has been different for me. For one reason, which is most natural, it is my birth place, there's familial connection here for me. Second, I'm here with a mission and with a team, plus it's been 9months! We've had work to do, materials, and information to gather & compile. Like a student in a lab, this trip is for a specific time & purpose. This makes me feel like it's part one, it's just the beginning to something so grand. I think for this reason saying goodbye isn't the same. Maybe I could replace good bye with thank you. Each person that I've exchanged with; stories, love, pain, laughter, food, water, affection, even shade deserves a huge thank you. Each lesson and value I've learned from the poor that I've tucked in my pocket is worth something. Rather than worrying about saying goodbye, i think i might want to consider how can i communicate my gratitude to this person for what they've given me. The way I do ministry from now on has changed, the way I see the poor, the world, the church. All these have contributed to what i will bring to the underground. Maybe i'm just being a wimp, I know that good bye & tears are imminent, but for these reasons a thank you seems more appropriate than a good bye.

a haven for rest

What is needed in order for something, some place, or even an idea to be considered a haven? Some of the definitions that I came up with is a place of safety, or refuge. One source describes a haven as a part of a body of water protected and deep enough to be a place of safety for ships. Maybe it’s security or space? Or quietness and tranquility? For me, when I think I’ve reached a haven I think, now I can rest, or think and even dream.. During this month I experienced (or took part in creating) two types of havens. First was the MMP crew at their annual family retreat. I had a chance to serve the missionaries & their families in organizing activities & events for them. Most of the missionaries had been looking forward to this retreat all year long. Their work takes a lot out of them, but they’d never admit it if you asked. It was a lot of fun to see the pastors & missionaries let loose & unwind. For me, it was honoring to be among them, I felt distinguished and lucky to enter this rest, and it kind of felt like this was the rest granted to the faithful and deserving servant.
Second, I was asked to be a counselor at MMP’s youth camp. Youth from all the slum communities gathered for 3 days away from their lives and together we worshipped and celebrated Jesus. Eighty-seven teenagers were present; almost half of them were baptized in the river and many decided to follow Jesus for the first time. This camp was a haven for the youth. It was a safe place for them to just be; to be an individual, to think & care for themselves, to laugh, cry, think, discover, learn, share their thoughts, etc. I learned prior to the camp that many of the youth had come from difficult and painful situations and this camp may really be the only break they have from their lives, so we (the staff) were desperate for Jesus to reveal his love to them. I feel in love with the youth. On the first day Jennifer was led to talk to a girl who thought the Lord was her enemy but won her back by telling her the truth of His love for her. Many left with tears, wanting to stay forever, some were worried about what home would be like now that they’re coming back changed, different. I know that this weekend had been a haven for them, but they’re having to leave the place of safety and for some, will head to unsafe darkness. Please pray for the youth of the MMP sites. I took as many pictures as I could of them in an attempt to keep my promise to never forget them.

friend to the poor

Finding our way to the preschool has become second nature to us. Talaba is a maze constructed of man-made cement walls and other means. Bamboo poles tied together make up the foundation for another area. It’s as if every turn, corner look like the one you just passed, you have to know your way here or you’ll end up off the island! In some areas where tin & other scrap metal construct a house over the water, you think, how in the world do these houses stay up? And of course those that live here move around skillfully, walking past me and my itsy-bitsy steps across the bamboo. You have to know your way around here.

Two weeks ago, during our lunch break at Talaba we asked Pastor Malit to give us the top 5 things she felt were necessary to have in order to work with the poor. Crystal & I had a conversation about this earlier in the week, we talked for a while chewing on what this would look like for us back in the states, and the global church overall. We both hesitated to answer this question, simply because we’re not fully aware of what this looks like. We thought this would be a good time to revisit this question with Pastor Malit. She graciously declined our appraisal of her being an expert in this work, as it is in her culture she told us that we know the answer! HA! I laughed in my mind.

Here what she gave us. She said that first, you must have a burden for the poor in your heart, it has to burn for them. It starts here she said. Next, you must live among them, eat what they eat, etc. She asked us, how will you serve them if you don’t understand & know how they live? The last thing was to know their history, their current struggles & problems, to basically get involved in their lives. Get in their live so you can know how to pray, and serve them. This made sense to us. I know I have so much to learn about the poor, how to serve and love them. As for now, I am learning from them, keeping my ears open more often than my mouth and my hands open to receive and give.

Having observed her life and attesting to what she’s done in her journey with the poor, I know Pastor Malit knows her way around here. She knows how to reach the poor, she knows how to preach in the church to the poor. She knows which corners to take and which ones to avoid. Their burdens have become her burdens. She’s eager to ask for support on their behalf, not hers. She responds to calls for help at all hours of the day, she knows how to protect the poor. It’s like she comes alive here, this is what she lives for. Pastor Malit has been doing ministry here for almost 2yrs now, she is becoming known among the poor in Talaba. She knows her way around here.

a change of scenery

We got to visit Boracay, one of the most amazing beaches in the world J. The group split up to maximize our traveling time & for the couples to have to some quality time together. So, my half went first while the other half stayed back with the kids. The earlier part of this week found me, crystal, jennifer & monica at home with the kids while the other two couples soaked in the beauty of Boracay. Wednesday was the end of the 3-day babysitting retreat. I have to admit, it was nice having a break from the usual routine. Don’t get me wrong, it was un-fun at times, but the majority of the time you'd find me in smiles. I found myself enjoying the domestic duties, waking up early preparing breakfast, lunch & dinner for the little ones. The preschoolers stole my heart during school session. Simeon knows how to say cow in tagalog, spanish and i'm convinced he's made up his own language! What a treat to soak in their smiles, hugs and genuine awe of what has been ordinary to me. I was happy to celebrate in their success of completing their crafts. Celebrating that they guessed the correct answer from Dora or that they had a dry night, or made it through an entire day without peeing in their pants, I had so much fun! I have developed a deeper appreciation for parenting now more than ever!

Being home with the kids & appreciating them from a different perspective makes me realize just how lucky I am, I truly am a blessed person. I’ve noticed that I’ve made it into these kids hearts as their ate, auntie. They trust me, they count on me to protect, teach, and love them. I’ve realized in these past few days just how blessed I am to live in community. As a single person I get to relish in the delight that only children can give an adult. I get to hug & kiss them whenever I want.. that is if they’re willing & if I’ve got some chocolate! For whatever reason the kids in my community understand the complexity of the life we live, they know that I am not their biological aunt, but have accepted me as family, to them I’m one of their caretakers.

i know you want more pictures, they're so cute-cute, huh! here you go..

notes from ikaw & ako retreat

Here are some notes from my journal I wrote during the “Ikaw at Ako” [You and Me] retreat at Samaritana just a few weeks ago:

Catherine, a black Filipina, shared how she sought escape from the chaotic tensions in her life. At a young age she started working in the bars in the Olongopo area. She told me earlier that she has two boys, 4 & 2, one is David Andrew. She is married. She is amazingly beautiful, you can see the stolen youth in her eyes. Her smile is radiant filled with real joy. When she shared her story, she spoke with confidence, like it was not the first time sharing it for her. Ate Thelma translated for us, she wasn’t fast enough my heart beated fast as I waited for the interpretation! Catherine smiled as she shared the pain she endured as she lived in a dark place. Then, she spoke of the time that she had heard the gospel. It was like lighting on a stormy night! It was loud, powerful it stood alone. The news of the gospel spoken from one that was once captive is powerful! Her voice went at slower pace, her face filled with sorrow as she recollected the life she had prior to hearing about Jesus. My heart sunk taking in this emotion, connecting with the truth the depth, the freedom that came when the gospel was spoken.. and so it was for me, just like the first time I was told the gospel I knew it was for someone like me. My heart, my soul related, she too is like me, saved by the gospel. Saved from a life of dark emptiness and brought into a family.

Malou shared her story tonight. Ate Thelma said this was the first time for her. She said she was 14 yrs old when she convinced by her friends to become a GRO (guest relations officer), working in the bars. Her attitude became very bad she gave into the pressure of her friends. I saw mallow leaning on Roselyn’s shoulder at one point tonight. It was evident that Roselyn was going through something, maybe she’s in the decision process, something that had taken her attention & it was clear her mind was not with us. malou is young, maybe 22 or 23 yet she has become an ate to Roselyn (and she is older than malou). This caught my attention, this was beautiful. It did not look like Roselyn was having a hard time allowing malou to care for her. I saw them sitting together during dinner last night. Lord I pray that ate Roselyn will open her heart to you. Please keep using mallow to speak.

and many more!

january 24 .. i was the happiest 28yr woman in manila! i glowed with delight &excitement. my community surprised me with a fabulous bday dinner at one of my favorite restuarants, an awesome thai-filipino place. the surprise didn't stop there! a few women from samaritana and my family (aunt,uncle & cousins) showed up, what a surprise! i felt like a celebrity. i didn't know they were up to this. jean, one of our friends at samaritana dropped by to give me this incredible treat; chocolate mousse dessert -- holy cow! happy birthday to me! this was the first birthday i've celebrated since i moved to US. it was pretty significant for me to be in my birthplace and celebrating another year of life. it's funny, all this happiness made me feel really young. this will definitely not be the last birthday i spend here!

Tagaytay

Each day is a gift. We are building more trust with the women and staff at Samaritana. The experiences I’m gaining here are irreplaceable, I really can not get this anywhere else. Since the first day I introduced myself to the women (and they to me), I didn’t know what to expect, honestly, I was a little timid, afraid. The newness of this kind of -relationship intimidated me a little. But now it is easy, natural for me to sit and chat with the women over lunch or practice my tagalog (while they giggle at me) as we walk to catch a jeepney. Watching these women build community with each other and with us is inspiring. As a foreigner & visitor, being accepted by them is pretty significant. I’ve often wondered about their past, wondering what they were like before coming to this new life at Samaritana. I am anxious to hear each of their stories.

This week on our outreach night, I partnered with one of the trainees at Samaritana and got to facilitate a focus discussion on STD’s for the first time! I was a little nervous since my partner was a little shy-shy and spoke only tagalog & very little english. I was excited to see three women I recognized & that remembered us from the last time we were there. I sensed that the Lord had brought them there again. There were a total of four women between the ages of 21 and 26 being the oldest. Pray for the Lord of justice to transform Batasan, to rid that area of evil and to set the men & women free!